Apple Core...Baltimore...Whose Your Friend...?

Last night, I went to Wal Mart to pick up a few things and after I wandered around the store picking up this item and that do dad, I decided that I had what I needed and then headed for the checkout. But before I got to the checkout, I thought, “Oh, my family needs some apples,” and so I went to inspect the produce section. Now I don’t know about your Wal Mart, but our Wal Mart’s produce leaves a bit to be desired. It usually looks like that really gaudy, flower-print shirt that’s always on the clearance rack, and has been sitting there so long that its all wrinkly, and a tad dirty from being dropped on the floor and stepped on so many times. Lord only knows how many people have handled it.

So you can imagine my surprise when I got to the apples and saw a bright, shiny display of Macintosh apples just waiting to be bagged up and taken home. Macintosh apples are the best. They’re super sweet with a nice crisp peel, and they are small which means that when Aaron wants to eat an apple, he will actually eat the whole thing. But small is important in this story for another reason. Let’s press on, shall we?

I believe that they were listed at $1.29 per pound. So I loaded up a bag and moved to the checkout. I did not count the apples as I placed them into the bag because apples are sold by the pound. This….is also important.

When I got to the register, let’s just say that I was unsure about the cashier’s checker-outer capabilities. But since it was a short line I decided, “Eh, how bad can it be,” and I unloaded my stuff onto the conveyer belt. He seemed to have a handle on things. He moved each item across the scanner thingy. He placed each item in the bag. All is well, but then he got to the apples…..

Doofy Cashier: Uh, how many apples do you have?
Me: I really don’t know, but apples are sold by the pound so…”
Doofy Cashier: Yeah, but how many do you have?
Me: I really don’t know, but…”

So he rips open my bag of apples and starts taking each one out of the bag and placing it on the conveyer belt. “What in the hell is this guy doing,” I thought as I exchanged glances with the lady behind me. Then he stops taking them out and seems to be completely confused and is just standing there with his filthy hands all over my beautiful apples. My mouth was hanging open and I wanted to scream, “STOP TOUCHING MY APPLES,” but I was mesmerized by the train wreck in front of me and couldn’t say anything.

Finally, he loads the apples back into the bag and presses a few buttons and up pops the price on the screen...twenty-three dollars and some odd cents.

Me: Is that $23 for that bag of apples.
Doofy Cashier: Uh, yeah.
Me: Well what is that seventeen there on the screen? There isn’t seventeen pounds of apples there?
Doofy Cashier: Oh, well that’s just something that we type in.
Me: ?????.........I blankly looked over at the lady behind me…
Lady Behind Me: That would mean that each apple weighed over a pound.
Me: I don’t what them then. Not for twenty-three dollars.

And so he put my beautiful apples under his register and finished ringing up my stuff. I paid and left with no apples. After I got into the car I started second guessing myself and wondered if maybe I was the idiot, but after a bit of Googling, I found that an average supermarket apple weighs 3.5 ounces. There are 16 ounces in a pound. If I had 17 apples that weighed 3.5 ounces each, I would have had 59.5 ounces of apples or 3.7 pounds. 3.7 pounds at $1.29 a pound, would be $4.77, NOT $23.

Now I have no apples and my head hurts from all of the math. Stupid Wal Mart!

The Cootie Coated Labyrinth of Doom AKA: McDonalds Play Place

So, like I mentioned the other day, Wednesday was Elyse’s third birthday. In the morning, we went to their friend Casey’s house where the kids had a blast jumping in Casey’s little pool, playing in the sandbox, and hurling water balloons at each other. After a few hours it was time to leave and on the way home we decided to stop at Mc Donald’s for lunch. Well, I wanted to stop at the grocery store first to pick up Elyse’s birthday cupcakes and then run through the drive thru, but Aaron and his expert negotiating skills convinced me that we should go into Mc Donald’s to eat, “cause you know Mom, it IS Elyse’s birthday and all.” Thanks for the guilt trip Aaron : )


Anyway, I reluctantly pulled into a parking spot and went over the usual rules and regulations of eating in a public place with Mommy who is currently without backup and emotionally fragile. They both agreed that they would listen and behave, and so with a deep breath, we clasped hands and headed for Mickie D’s.

Now, Aaron has been asking to eat in the Playplace for quite some time. In his whole entire six and a half years of life I have let him eat in there once. I know, I know, Mommy’s a big ole bitch, but the thoughts of what could be lurking in those brightly colored, plastic tubes is the stuff that nightmares are made of. I once read an article about how filthy it is in those things and that besides a host of other germs, they have even found poo in some of them. POO!!!! Human feces!!!! Holy crap… literally.

But again, Aaron and his expertly honed negotiating skills pulled the birthday card one more time and got me to take them to the Playplace to eat. It is worth mentioning here that Elyse had never been in there. So we get inside and get situated to start eating and I have to admit that I was amazed at the restraint that they were able to muster while sitting there eating their nuggets. Their eyes were all sparkly and glazed over. Their minds were swirling with excitement while they took in every inch of the plastic monstrosity that sat before them, but somehow they held it together and ate their lunch first. I was incredibly proud of them for that and praised them for it repeatedly.

Once they had eaten their lunch, they asked me if they could go play. I pushed down the urge to suit them up in full on HAZMAT gear and told them to go have fun. In a flash they were gone; Aaron running ahead and Elyse following closely behind him. I checked my phone to see where we stood on time and to start counting down the hour that I was going to allow for the total and complete contamination. Maybe I should call the pediatrician for a round of antibiotics right now.

Less than five minutes in I heard Elyse screaming. I ran over to the Playplace just in time to see her crawling out of the opening, tears pouring down her cheeks. Aaron was close behind and he informed me that “some kid” hit Elyse. Now I’m not sure how true this is, but Elyse was so hysterical that I couldn’t get anything out of her, so I just took Aaron’s word for it and went to sit down with Elyse to plot revenge console my child.

I could tell that it was killing her to not be inside with her brother, and so after a few minutes I asked her if she wanted to go back inside. She shook her head yes and started for the tunnel. She set one foot inside and started sobbing again. Back to the table we went. By this time, Aaron came back out to check on his baby sister which she completely ate up because in her eyes he is all that and then some. He hugged her and then ran back inside. Aaron’s disappearance sparked another round of tears. It seemed like in her three year old head, once Aaron was inside, he was transported to another dimension and would never be heard from again. At least that’s what the look of total terror plastered all over her face suggested.

She got it together and once again made her way to the tunnel to find her brother. This time she made it through a few obstacles before she started to melt down. This went on for a long, long time. She would go in, sob, and come out. Aaron would wave to her from a tower high up in the top of the maze to prove that he still existed and when he went out of site, she would sob.

Finally, I decided that we had had more than enough and set about to start the process of leaving. Aaron was fantastic and came right out when I asked him too. I bet that total compliance is a side effect from whatever he contracted while inside those tunnels.

We said so long to the Playplace and went to get the cupcakes.

The Dance

There are moments in life that you know you will remember forever. There are the obvious ones like the day that you get married or the birth of your children, but then there are the others. The ones that you had no idea were about to happen, but when they do, time seems different somehow. The rest of the picture gets fuzzy while you focus on that moment. Almost like your brain knows that this is special and is something that you are going to want to look back on someday.


Last night was one of those moments.

Everyone had gone home after celebrating Elyse’s third birthday. Elyse was fresh out of the tub and was sporting one of her brand new nightgowns from Aunt G and Uncle D. Her hair was still damp, and she was playing with the Disney Princess cd player that Aaron had gotten for her. As she listened to the music and bopped around to “Be Our Guest” and other Princess favorites, she asked her daddy to dance with her.

I stopped cleaning up the party mess and just watched the two of them bouncing back and forth. Mike spun her around and she twirled like a little ballerina. What caught me the most, more than anything else was the way that she looked at him; those sweet, sparkly blue eyes, her round little baby cheeks, and her hair still wet from the bath. He is her hero; it was written all over her smile.

I grabbed the video camera and caught some of it on tape. While I stood there watching them I was overwhelmed with emotion and I started welling up with tears. It was impossible not to imagine a day, many years from now when the two of them will dance together, but instead of her little Hello Kitty nightgown, she will be wearing a wedding gown. She won’t have just come from her bath, but will have spent hours preparing for the most important day of her life. Many things will have changed by then, but the one constant will be the way that she will look at him because even though daddy’s little girl eventually grows up, he never stops being her hero.

I could have watched them forever, but I stopped taping and went on to finish cleaning up. Without a doubt, that was one of those moments. I will remember the two of them dancing in our living room for the rest of my life, and when the day comes that she asks her daddy to dance with her at her wedding, it will be hard to watch them and not see the little girl in the Hello Kitty nightgown dancing with her daddy on her third birthday.

What a Difference a Year Makes

There is something very strange going on right now. While it is incredibly fantastic and super exciting, it’s still so new that I’m afraid that the very mention of it could blow the whole deal. But at the risk of completely jinxing myself, I am going to share with you the possible change in our household that has me jumping up and down like Rocky at the top of those ridiculously steep steps instead of hunkering down in a bell tower picking off unsuspecting pedestrians. I think…that Elyse…is growing up. Quick, someone rub a lucky rabbit’s foot, find a four leaf clover, or pound an entire box of Lucky Charms. Just please don’t make it stop!!!!


Why do I think this, you ask? Well I’ll tell you. Last weekend was crazy busy. We were moving nonstop and the potential for massive meltdowns was a very real and ever present threat. On Saturday alone Aaron had a soccer game in the morning, then there was a brief rest at home, followed by a make up baseball game. We hit up Dairy Queen and then finally got home maybe around 6ish, let the kids play in the yard for a bit, then herded everyone inside for showers and the bedtime routine. Whew! I was kind of on edge all day waiting for it to all go down, but it never really did. Sure there was some whining at the very end of the night, but considering what we had accomplished that day, Mike and I saw it as a total victory. Take that universe and your affinity for making us suffer. In your face!

Sunday was very similar and the running was nonstop, but still things were manageable. Everyone was decent, everyone mostly behaved, and I don’t remember fantasizing about escaping to a far off land even one time. Although, I will say that Sunday, thanks to my super awesome hubby and my incredibly amazing mother-in-law, I was able to escape for a little while with my mom and Angie to pick up Mal from the airport. So I’m sure that that little break contributed greatly to my overall feeling of well-being and happy, happy, joy, joy kind of mood.

But Monday, oh on Monday, the thing that makes me think that we could possibly be turning a corner happened. Aaron’s class was going to have a short program in the afternoon. The letter that came home informing us about it said that it would only be a fifteen to twenty minute deal and so still high on the victory of the weekend, I decided that Elyse and I would go ourselves; just the two of us, no one to help, no back up.

When we got to the school, we found out that his class would be performing in the cafeteria and the kids that were eating lunch weren’t quite finished yet, so we would have to wait in the lobby for about fifteen minutes. The lobby; urgh, that was the scene of many horrific, challenging parenting moments like this one that you may remember from last year. The thought of waiting with Elyse for fifteen minutes in that lobby made me shudder and I kind of wanted to stomp my feet and shake my fists and yell ,” But I don’t wanna wait fifteen minutes with HER. She’s CRAZY!!! No, no, no, no!!!”

And so we waited. But the weird thing was that instead of Elyse making a bee line for the fire alarm, she calmly walked with me to a seat AND SAT DOWN! She sat on a chair like a sweet little girl and talked to me like a human being. But I wasn’t about to let my guard down yet.

After a few minutes of sitting, she wanted to go over to the window to check things out. Instead of diving into the plants and almost knocking them to the ground, taking out a few other parents in the process, she simply walked over to the window AND SAT DOWN! I stood there looking at her much like the Grinch stood on the top of Mount Crumpit puzzling about why the Whos weren’t devastated that all of their presents were gone. Who is this person and what has she done with my child?

The fifteen minutes drifted by with absolutely no conflict. At one point she even stood right next to me holding on to my leg. But then we were ushered to the cafeteria where I was sure that it would all go to hell. It was hairy for a moment when Aaron and his class walked in because she wanted to go up and sit next to her brother, but then she got with the program, sat next to me leaning her little elbows on my lap, and watched the whole thing. By the time it was all said and done, I was exploding with pride for how well she behaved. I was all, “That’s right! This is my little girl and she was good for the whole damn thing! Mini dance in celebration of me! Whoo hoo!”

We walked out of the school hand in hand while I praised her the entire way to the van. She didn’t realize it at the time, but I probably would have given her just about anything that she wanted had she only asked; an ice cream cone, sure thing. A trip to Toys R Us, absolutely! A pony, ponies are lame Sweetie, Mommy will find you a magical unicorn that has rainbow hair and farts wishes.

I’m not saying that things have been perfect. Just last night, I was refilling her cup with some water. I handed it to her, she said thank you, and then she snatched the Britta pitcher off of the counter and poured water all over the floor. So we still have a little work to do, but these small glimpses of what things could be like in the years to come gives me hope for the future. Maybe everyone was right when they said that this wouldn’t last forever. Or maybe they were screwing with me and I just happened to catch Elyse on a good streak. Either way, I’ll take the sudden behavior change over the last few days as a wonderful break from the usual insanity. God knows we needed it.

The Wedding

This past Saturday I got a new brother when my youngest sister Mallory married Fritz. It was a beautiful day that started at 4:45 AM.

Mom was picking me up at 5:45 AM so that we could get everyone coffee and then head down to Mal’s apartment for bagels before we went to get our hair done. The following story has really nothing to do with the wedding, but it’s a wonderful example of the kinds of interactions that you can have with people before 6:00 AM in Wal Mart.

Before we got the coffee, I had mom drop me off at Wal Mart so that I could grab some deodorant that would be invisible cause the last thing that I wanted was pictures of me bustin a move on the dance floor sporting bright, white deodorant streaks. I got to the appropriate isle and the following conversation took place…

Me: (Blankly starring at my deodorant options trying to decide what to buy)
Friendly/Creepy Wal Mart Employee: What are we looking for today?
Me: Well, my sister is getting married today and I need something super invisible and super strong.
Friendly/Creepy Wal Mart Employee: Ummmmm, why does it have to be strong?
Me: Ummmmmm, because I don’t want to smell by the end of the night.
Friendly/Creepy Wal Mart Employee: Well, I use Suave and I never smell.
Me: Ummm, ok.
Friendly/Creepy Wal Mart Employee: Here’s a good one, but I don’t know if it’s “super strong.”

We went around a little bit more before I spotted what I wanted and then ran out of the isle before she could start questioning me about feminine hygiene products.

Mom, Mal, Ang, and I sat around Mal’s kitchen eating bagels and chatting while we waited for the other two bridesmaids. It seemed like we had just done that the morning before Angie’s wedding and here that has already been almost three years ago now. I kept thinking how we must be there to get ready for a shopping trip. I couldn’t believe that it was the morning of my baby sister’s wedding.

Everybody else got there and we made our way to the salon. One by one we got our hair done and chatted about nothing in particular. It was one of my favorite parts of the day. Elyse was one of the last ones to get into the chair and I couldn’t believe how well she sat. She let Andrea curl ALL of her hair and then put about a thousand bobby pins in it to keep it all up for the day.

When we got back to Mal’s to do makeup it seemed like we had all the time in the world, but then all of a sudden it was like someone pressed the fast forward button and it was all MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!

But when we got to church and we all got dressed, the reality of what was happening that day hit hard and Mal looked gorgeous. I know that I am biased, but I think we were a pretty good looking wedding party…

Watching my dad give his last daughter away really chocked me up and you could see in his face that it was killing him. Luckily, our family has been blessed with the men that we girls have chosen to marry and so even though it was hard for him, I know that dad knew that he was giving Mal away to a really great man.

Now you may remember that Aaron was the ring bearer and Elyse was the flower girl. This made me a tad, um, apprehensive to put it mildly. We all know that Elyse is a total loose cannon and just about anything could have happened. Thankfully, they both performed flawlessly. Elyse showed restraint as she gracefully walked down the isle next to her brother and Aaron was heartbreakingly handsome in his tux. This is where I would insert a super cute picture of them walking down the isle, but due to an unfortunate premature memory card reformat, we don’t have any pictures from the ceremony. Ooops.

The “I Dos” were said, rings were exchanged, pictures were taken, and then it was time to party. As the maid-of-honor though I still had one more duty…the toast. I knew what I was going to say for weeks and had just tweaked it here and there. I had practiced it over and over again, but I was still a nervous wreck and scanned the reception hall for a good place to vomit while the best man gave his toast. But when the time came, I suddenly felt confident and relaxed and I didn’t stumble over a single word…no puking either.

Everyone had a blast the rest of the night. The cake was incredible, the dancing was fantastic, and seeing Mallory happier than I have ever seen her was the best part of all.

I wish that we had gotten some better pictures, but I guess we’ll see what the photographer caught. Would you believe that Mike and I don’t have one picture of the two of us together? That makes me a little sick and sad. Do you think everyone would be willing to do it all over again so that we can get a few shots together?

I have to say that the videographer was phenomenal. Check out this promo of their wedding video that he posted on Facebook…

Oser Wedding Promo from Jared Thompson on Vimeo.

Congratulations Mal and Fritz. We love you guys!

The Spray Tan

So this week is the big Wedding Week. My youngest sister Mallory is getting married on Saturday and the whole family is a twitter with tasks and activities to get ready for the big day. One of my tasks for yesterday…Get a spray tan.


I’ve never been sprayed before. In the past, when I needed some color for a special event, I would go and bake myself at the tanning beds long enough to achieve a good healthy glow, but before I looked like I should be tending a river of chocolate wearing little white suspenders with a green hue to my hair. That was back when I had all the time in the world and no tiny humans to tend to. It would have been impossible now to escape to the tanning beds as much as I would have had to, so instead I opted to get sprayed.

On the drive over to the spa, I was a little nervous. First of all, I was running late, and you KNOW how I feel about being LATE!!! Then, I got lost. If you take a little late and then add in a little lost to the mix, do you know what you get? You get a nearly hysterical, panicked mess that frantically calls the spa and has the receptionist guide you in the right direction until you are safe and secure in the parking lot. Oh yeah, it was like that.

I was so worried about being late on the drive over that I didn’t even have time to think about the fact that I was about to be topless in front of a total stranger for roughly ten minutes. It was presented to me that going au natural was an option. Hey, no tan lines. But since the mere thought of being topless had me ready to heave in the spa’s pretty little wicker hamper, I decided that naked was not for me.

So I wrapped myself up in the little robe that they give you, slipped on the rubber sandals, and then flip flopped down the hall to where the magic happens. The technician was very nice. She was young and seemed totally nonjudgmental; though I’m pretty sure that she has seen some sights in her time behind the spray gun. With mild hesitation, I dropped the robe and stepped into the shower-like thing to get me some color.

If you’ve never done this before…It’s cold. Plus, you know, you’re standing there almost naked with a total stranger, so that’s a little awkward. All I kept thinking, in between small talk and me nervously stuttering out my answers was, “Holy crap the girls are just out there for all to see. There is nothing between my boobs and the world. Pretend you’re somewhere else. Pretend you’re somewhere else. Hey, does that chocolate river need tending?”

Anyway…

Before I knew it, it was done and I looked like I had spent the weekend at the beach; minus the coconutty drinks and the sand in unfortunate areas. I had to stay away from water for the next eight to ten hours to make sure that the tan really soaked in and didn’t get washed off prematurely which was fine except that when I took the garbage out that evening I got halfway down the driveway and realized, “OH MY LORD, ITS MISTING OUT HERE!!! RETREAT! RETREAT!” No harm was done though.

Tomorrow I am going to get my nails done which I am SUPER excited about. I always feel so girly when I get them done which is rare these days. Luckily, I’m pretty sure that I won’t have to take my top off for this service.

Bedtime

Is there anything about your day that you just simply detest? I mean really and truly loathe with every fiber of your being? For me, it’s bedtime. More specifically, it’s getting the kids ready for bedtime. Every night around 8:30 PM my left eye starts to twitch and I have this overwhelming sense of dread like when you were in high school and you pissed away weeks worth of time that you had to write a paper and now it’s incredibly late on Sunday night and you are totally and utterly screwed. You know, like that…


It’s the same story every night. 8:45 PM rolls around and the announcement is made that it is Teeth Time and then it starts…

Aaron: Daddy is going to carry me into the bathroom!!!
Elyse:  NOooooooooooo, Daddy is going to carry ME!!!
Aaron: Nuh uh! ME!!! Carry me Daddy!!!
Me: (yelling from the bathroom) Come on, I have two tooth brushes and no kids.
Mike: Why don’t you both just walk in?
Aaron and Elyse: NOOOOOooooooooo!!!!! Carry ME Daddy!!!!
Me: COME ON!!!!!

Somehow they both get into the bathroom. I get Aaron’s teeth brushed and then send him on his way to get his bed ready. Then…I brush Elyse’s teeth. Well, first there is the fight over whether of not she will brush her own teeth. Sometimes I let her give it a try. Most nights we have messed around for so long by this point that I just flat out refuse. The next step is a very intricate dance that I like to call The Taming of the Octopus. By now, if I have refused to let her brush her own teeth, Elyse is flailing about and thrashing like I just doused her with holy water in an attempt to release the demon within. There is screaming, and pleading, and begging…but at some point I manage to get the brush into her mouth. There is still crying and a moderate amount of flailing, but somehow against all odds the job gets done.

Then, she has to tell everyone goodnight. There are four people in our home; Elyse being one of them. That means that she has to say goodnight to three people, but this part of the process is by far the longest and most painful. First, she and Aaron do their “knock down hug” in her room where she runs at him full speed, knocks him to the ground, and they laugh and giggle and thinks that it’s the funniest thing EVER.

Aaron: Goodnight Elyse.
Elyse: Goodnight Brother.

The end, right? Wrong. Aaron goes to his room to get into bed and now Elyse has to give him a hug in his room.

Elyse: I want to hug Brother.
Me or Mike: You just gave Brother a hug.
Elyse: NOOOOooooo, I have to hug Brother.
Aaron: (From the top bunk of his bed) NO GIRLS ALLOWED!!!
Elyse: (climbing up the ladder which is the only reason that she NEEDS to give Brother a hug) Nooooooooo, I want to give you a hug!!!!!

A struggle ensues and Aaron eventually relents and they hug goodnight again. Now Elyse goes off to her room to get her diaper changed and pick her bedtime story while Aaron reads his own story to either me or Mike; whoever won Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.

The “lucky” one that got to put Elyse to bed has to go through the diaper change, then there is the choosing of the story, the reading of the story, then that story has to be given to the parent in Aaron’s room which leads to another Brother hug and the entire “No Girls Allowed” ordeal.

After she is peeled off of Aaron, she heads back to her room, but not before she HAS to use the potty even though I ask her thirty times a day to use the potty and she violently refuses every single time with such a look of disgust you would think that I asked her to poop on Main Street in the middle of the Christmas Parade.

Of course now that she has used the potty, she has to get a sticker for her calendar. By this point, if I am the one that is putting her to bed, I have completely lost all patience and I’m practically foaming at the mouth. My mind drifts in and out of a fantasy where I live on a deserted island and monkeys bring me fancy drinks in coconuts with little umbrellas and I never, EVER have to brush their teeth.

FINALLY, she gets into bed.

Me: Goodnight Elyse. I love you.
Elyse: Goodnight Mommy. Are we going to Grandma’s tomorrow?
Me: No Elyse.
Elyse: Why?
Me: Goodnight Elyse. Get some sleep.
Elyse: WAIT!!! I need socks!!!!!
Me: (gritting my teeth) OK. I start to put them on her…
Elyse: NOOOOOoooooo, I can do one. She struggles, and tries, and wriggles her piggy into the sock.
Me: Goodnight Elyse.
Elyse: Goodnight Mommy.

I close the door behind me, take a deep breath, and hope that we haven’t finished all of the wine yet. This is every night. Every single, ever-loving night; except last night.

Well, most of all of this happened last night, but the difference was that Aaron read the bedtime story to Elyse. It was adorable. Aaron has been slowly learning to read since December and he has worked his way to Super Books which are basic, little stories that, once mastered, he can take it back to the teacher, read it for her, get a sticker on his folder, and then bring home a new book.

As I sat there watching him read to his little sister I thought, “I am going to want to remember this moment.” So even though there was a potential to completely ruin the moment, I ran to get the camera and snapped this…

And when the story was over, I got this…

 Someday, the kids will put themselves to bed. One day, a long time from now, these bedrooms will be empty and I will probably miss these days and the craziness, but when I think back to bedtime, this is the picture that I want to remember.