Grab Your Store Ads and Comfy Shoes...It's Time To Shop!

I can't believe that it's almost here. I look forward to this holiday all year long and when it is over, I am always just a little sad. It's a day full of togetherness, fun, and ...SHOPPING! It's almost Black Friday people! What? Did you think I was talking about Thanksgiving?


For about the last oh, seven years or so, my Mom, sisters, and I all brave the crowds and the store crazies’ to embark on our yearly Black Friday shopping extravaganza. I believe that Black Friday is like Las Vegas; everyone should try to go at least once in his or her lifetime. But all of the fun and the finding of great deals can be a little overwhelming if you've never done it before. Here are a few tips to get you through your first Black Friday experience...

First of all, don't even think about going out that early without a big ole cup of coffee. "But Amy," you say, "I don't drink coffee." I don't care. Coffee is a must to start Black Friday. It doesn't matter where you go, if you want cream and three Splenda, or you take it straight up black, but you are going to have some coffee because its part of the routine by God and no one messes with the routine. Got it? Good.

Next...................

Don't go in with a list of "must haves." For example, "I must get Uncle Harry that nose hair trimmer that Sears has for 98% off!" I promise you that if you do, you will most likely have to duke it out with some little old lady who saw the last trimmer from across the store and Heaven help the shopper that gets in her way of buying it for her dear, sweet Melvin whom she loves with all of her heart, but can't look at one more damn day if he doesn't trim that disgusting nose hair that she has had to look at for the last seventy-eight years and is now so long that she fears it could strangle her in her sleep, and by God she has lived on this Earth for too long to go out like that, so give her that freakin trimmer girly! Now if you aren't opposed to fighting with the elderly, then by all means, go get you a trimmer, but I think that it is more fun to just stumble on the deals.

So you’ve done some shopping and even though you swore that you would never be hungry again after stuffing yourself silly with three helpings of Aunt Mable’s famous pecan pie, you actually feel like you could go for some lunch. This is important, you must get to the food court about a half an hour earlier than any normal person would fathom eating lunch because if you wait until a socially acceptable lunch time, you will find yourself scanning the jammed packed room overflowing with hungry shoppers all looking for an open table. But there are no open tables, and when you see an open table you will look up and notice another shopper eyeing the same table. Your eyes will lock and in both of your minds there will be a gunshot signaling that, “It’s on boys,” and you will both race at top speed for the table, taking out small children and stray shopping bags in the process, until one of you reaches the table first, throwing yourself on top of it and declaring, “Mine, mine, mine, mine, Sucker!” The “”Sucker” is important because what good is winning if you don’t gloat just a little, right? All I’m saying is eat lunch early.

Of course, at some point in your day you will require a potty break. All I can say here is to try to go early and then limit your fluid intake because the integrity of the bathrooms goes way down as the day wears on. You would have better luck finding a more hygienic bathroom if you hiked back to that gas station that you saw on your way to the mall that had the chalk outline on the sidewalk and the police tape around the front of the building. Now if you are a professional Black Friday shopper, then you have been training for the last three months with a rigorous squatting program and you now have thighs so strong that you could hover over the most vile public toilet on the universe. If that’s the case, then drink up and go often. This is what the last three months of training have been about.

Last, but not least, know when to get out. Eventually the stores will be so crammed with people that not even a door jam greased with Crisco will be able to allow one more person through. Even if you haven’t completed your list, just leave because by this point, you have been dealing with people for so long that you will have no patience left and your fuse will be so short that you will have no idea of what you will be capable of doing and before you know it your day will end with you making your one phone call home to see if someone will bail you out.

Happy Black Friday everyone and Mom, Ang, and Mal, I am looking forward to our day out just like I do every year. Ang, don’t forget the hand sanitizer!