Saturday, September 5, 2009

And For My Next Trick...

Have you ever attempted to get yourself ready in the morning while your children are awake? Now I'm not talking about slapping on a little tinted moisturizer, tossing your hair into a quick ponytail, and throwing on the t-shirt that you were wearing last night because, "Hey, I only wore it for a few hours and I'll be damned if I'm going to wash a perfectly good shirt before it's hit a proper expiration date." No, I mean real getting ready with makeup and a curling iron and everything. If you haven't, I highly recommend giving it a shot because it is a true test of your mental stability, and if you can come out of that still fully functional with all of your faculties without drooling on yourself in a corner somewhere then hey, you must be doin alright. Good for you!

Usually I try to get myself completely in gear before the kids are awake because even though I have done it with them hovering under my feet and I have come out of it still sane, I'm pretty sure that it's only a matter of time before I crack. Since I am familiar with crazy and I know that it's a fairly short trip to get there, I really try to avoid this kind of "quality" time with the children, but every now and then I decide that it would be fun to play chicken with crazy and I wait until the kids are awake to put myself together...I don't know why, because I'm dumb I guess.

When I have put myself in this position, I try to go in with a plan and by plan I mean a desperate, futile attempt at keeping them distracted long enough to do what I need to do before they realize that I am in the bathroom ALONE. It never fails that as soon as I get into a groove and I begin making real progress, I let my mind start to wander and I commit the cardinal sin of motherhood. I think to myself, "Gee it's quite." Don't, I repeat, DO NOT ever get so relaxed and consumed with what you are doing that you actually let yourself acknowledge the quiet and then think that you have a snowball's chance in hell at completing the task at hand because you don't. The minute that you think it, it's over, all over.

Once I am discovered, and I am always discovered, I have to pull out my Cirque Du Soliel moves where I balance on one foot with the other foot strategically placed behind me as a gate to keep Elyse away from the toilet while I apply mascara with one hand and juggle with the other. Well I have to keep Aaron entertained some how right? Usually a simple juggling routine will do the trick, but sometimes he gets pushy and I have to do the sword swallowing thing too. Kids, so demanding.

The foot/gate thing only works for so long and then Elyse starts to flip out and does whatever she can to get past me and by this time I have started my hair and I am into the comedic portion of my routine with Aaron and it goes, "A horse walks into a bar," remove toilet paper from Elyse's mouth, curl hair, "and then the Rabbi says," close toilet lid and try to remember to fish the rubber ducky out later, curl hair, "those aren't buoys!"

Thank you folks...I'll be here all night...Don't forget to tip your waitress.

By the time it's all said and done, I vow never to ever attempt this routine again and why in the world didn't I just get in gear before anyone else was awake? Inevitably, a few weeks later I almost always have a momentary lapse of judgement where I think to myself, "Surely it won't be that hard to just get myself together after the kids have had their breakfast? I think I will sit at the computer and have another cup of coffee," and one of these days the routine isn't going to work and I really am going to snap, but at least when it happens I will have a great show all worked out for my new friends at the institution.


Leslie said...

If I don't get ready before the kids are up, I have to add an hour to the prep time. That's how much time I spend keeping them out of trouble. It's also why my chin hair isn't plucked right now.