Friday, March 12, 2010

Poo Story #2. Get It, Number Two! Tee, Hee!


Last night, much like I do every night, I went into Elyse’s room to check on her before Mike and I went to bed because she sleeps all crazy and she is NEVER covered up and it’s anyone’s guess as to where she might be in her crib when I walk in. But last night, oh, last night, I didn’t get to simply go in and cover her back up because just like the last time that I entertained you with tales of poo, I was assaulted with the aroma of poop as soon as I opened her door and upon closer inspection I could see that my baby girl was curled up with her Blankie, completely naked, and completely covered in crap. Oh yeah, and cozied up next to her was a massive, um, well, let’s just say that when I looked at it, I completely expected it to sit up and say, “Howdy Ho!”

It was 10:00 PM.

I grabbed Mike and told him that we had a situation and together we stood there for a second not quite sure how to proceed. Elyse was totally sound asleep, but she was naked…AND COVERED IN POO! What could we do but wake her up to begin the sterilization process? Of course, she was immediately hysterical. She had no clue what was going on and why in the hell we were throwing her in the bathtub so late at night. Why were we torturing her?!? Um, because you are covered in crap, Sweetie…AGAIN!

Mike gave her the bath and I handled the poo because, you know, it’s what I do I guess. The worst part of it was (yeah, there was something worse than seeing Elyse marinated in her own poo) was that Blankie unfortunately did not escape unscathed and had to be washed. Do you have any idea what that meant? Can you appreciate the seriousness of our situation where we had a hysterical baby who can only be calmed by two things, a pacifier and her precious, most beloved Blankie? And one of those two things is unavailable due to the generous smathering of crap it had received thanks to none other than the hysterical baby?

We were screwed…or so I thought.

Somehow, by the grace of God, she was SO out of it and SO exhausted that I was able to fool her with a Blankie imposter until the real Blankie came out of the dryer. But don’t go thinking that that is where the story ends ladies and gentlemen. Oh no. That would have been way too easy. Now we had upset Princess and she was NOT going to give up and go back to sleep without a fight. We had pissed her off and so she would torture us with sleep deprivation. She completely refused to go back into her now fresh and poop-free bed and the only way that she would calm down was to curl up with Mike on the couch. So he held her there while I kept a constant, unrelenting vigil at the dryer waiting for Blankie’s release.

It was after midnight by the time Mike and I saw our bed and it had to be close to 1:00 AM before we could relax enough to fall asleep. The alarm goes off at 5:15 AM. I have a feeling it is going to be another long day and that I am going to have to pound caffeine in all of its glorious forms much like an oriental individual at a hot dog eating contest. Oh, was that insensitive or discriminatory? Well, after last night I have to say I don’t really give a crap. Get it, cause we spent the night covered in crap? Whatever, I need to go get more coffee.