Monday, August 31, 2009

Cats are Dumb, Real Damn Dumb

A few months after Mike and I got married I started to feel like the house was too quiet and that we needed a pet. I had grown up with both dogs and cats, hamsters, and the occasional fish or two and all of these animals were indoor pets, well, except for the hamsters, you know how wild and savage a hamster can be. Mike's family lived more in the country and he had everything from dogs and cats to ducks and even a raccoon, Ricky, Ricky the Raccoon. These animals were always kept outside. So when I thought about getting a pet I knew that I wanted it to be indoors, but I figured that Mike would think that the animal belonged outside, in their natural habitat and apparently inside on your couch is not where God intended creatures to dwell. Whatever.

So when I approached Mike with the idea of getting a pet, I thought that I would start small. I was sure that he would never go for a cat and I couldn't keep a dog outside, so I told him that I thought we should get a hamster. Now I know what you are thinking, "Didn't you just say that the house was too quiet and that you wanted to add a pet to make a livelier home environment?" Yes, ok that's what I said and clearly it made no sense, but maybe I had my eye on some new genetically altered hamster that when fed after midnight would grow to be the size of a small Rottweiler. You don't know. There's crazy shit on the internet.

So anyway...

Mike's response was, "A hamster, really? Are you serious?" And I was all ready to show him the website where I found my mutant hamster, which was going to be named Spike by the way, when he said, "If you're going to get something, why don't you just get a cat?" Now that is very important. HE said, "Why don't you just get a cat?" Many a debate has been argued as to whose responsible for the fur girls that currently run our home. He would have you believe that it was all me, but there's the proof. It was ALL HIS IDEA. See honey, we could have had a flippin sweet genetically altered hamster that most likely would have expired by now, but no, "Why don't you just get a cat?"

So anyway...

We headed to the shelter to pick us out a cat. There were several to pick from; these crazy white kittens that I swear to God were part bat because they were clinging to the tops of the cages making this noise that I have only heard in horror movies where the couple is camping and the guy walks off into the darkness to pee or whatever and then there is this awful noise and the girl is all, "Jimmy, is that you?" But it's not Jimmy because he was just eaten by the half bat, half cat creature. You know, that movie.

So anyway...

There were also these really cute black and white kittens, three of them to be exact and they were lying in the cage all lined up watching the bat cats. They were sweet and laid back and why oh why didn't we go with the black and white ones?

Why, because Bella caught my eye. She was this tiny, adorable, sweet kitten with the biggest kitten eyes you have ever seen and I just knew that I had to have her. I felt really bad though because we were taking her away from her brother and sister and while I believe that the brother could have cared less, I felt like the sister didn't want her to go. Yes, I am the cat psychic.

So we get my angel kitty home and she totally freaks out. She scurried into the kitchen and climbed behind the refrigerator. When we got her out from there, she walked all along the overhang of the cabinets and then went behind the stove. Once we extracted her from there we took her back to the spare bedroom where her food and water and most importantly her litter box was and tried to get her comfy. She ran under the dresser. Not the cuddly little kitten that she was in the shelter. I think that she was just playing us and was trying to get away from the bat cats.

The next day I was at work and I called Mike and was like, "Dude, our cat sucks. Let's see if we can take her back and get a different one. One with less emotional baggage perhaps. Maybe a black and white one." He was like, "Yeah, she sucks, but I think I am going to leave work a little early to check on her and see if I can get her to come out of hiding." I was all, "Whatever, but I think she is totally going back."

When I got home Bella was sitting in front of him playing like a normal kitty. Of course as soon as she saw me she went back into hiding. "I've got it," I said, "Let's go and get her sister." And Mike bought it. He was like, "Ok, let's go get her sister."

And so we did.

As soon as we brought Hailey home and sat her down in front of Bella, Chariots of Fire started to play in the background, there was an embrace, and Hailey was like, "So, what do you have to eat around here?" That was the first time that we saw Bella eat or drink anything since we had brought her home the night before.

So we were a house with two cats and life was good until we brought Aaron home from the hospital about a year and a half later. To say that our fur children didn't take well to the change would be putting it mildly. I swear to you that Hailey didn't eat for days and her hair was falling out in clumps. Bella reverted back to her kitten craziness and went back into hiding. Neither one of them would come near me because I was the one that brought that screaming, hairless creature into their lives. They forgave Mike because since he wasn't recovering from a c-section, he was the one going up and down the basement steps to feed them, change their water, and offer psychiatric counseling.

Eventually they started to come around; Bella more so than Hailey which I never would have guessed because when we would have company over with children it was Hailey that would bask in their love and affection while Bella did what Bella does to handle stress...that's right...she went into hiding. Stupid cat. With Aaron around though she kind of took on the role of protector, but apparently that role requires an incredible amount of meowing, loud meowing, annoying meowing, ear piercing for the love of God shut that stupid cat up before I loose it meowing. As protector that skill is probably useful in the event that the one you are protecting is in danger and is being abducted by mutant bat cats, but it is not so necessary to signal, oh I don't know, that you need to be fed, or need a door opened, or it's 1:00 AM and you just feel like the humans have slept enough for one night. Hailey's way to cope with the sudden upheaval was to turn to food that is once she regained the will to live and started to eat again. Yes, it's true, Hailey became the cat that eats her feelings and because of that she has become a catapotomus; huge like a hippo but of the feline persuasion.

Elyse's arrival didn't affect them much because once you're nuts, you're just nuts. The crazy only varies slightly in intensity. Bella still has the most annoying meow in the history of all cats and Hailey still eats her feelings. They drive me absolutely insane but I love my fur girls anyway even though on occasion I do some Google research to try and find that website for my genetically altered hamster.

So there you have it. Cats are dumb and we have dumb cats because Mike said, "Why don't you just get a cat?" We have two dumb cats because I was all, "Let's go get her sister." In a house with two dumb adults, two dumb cats, and two really loud children, who are not dumb by the way, it is hard to believe that I ever thought that the house was too quiet.


Leslie said...

"Catapotomus." Hilarious!

I love your cats. They are so sweet! And round. I love that.